Not harmless remarks
It is impossible to become an ideal parent, and it is not necessary. Moms and dads are living people who have the right to fatigue, irritation, mistakes. As long as the basis of the relationship with the child is the desire to be his friend, not to harm him, to raise him capable of success and happiness, everything is fine: any conflict can be resolved, any traumatic pattern can be corrected.
The main thing is to remember that children’s perception of the world is formed from everyday trifles, and not only from big events such as expensive gifts, large—scale holidays and impressive trips.
The most offensive scenario is to give the child everything in terms of material, to «spoil» him, but to raise a person who will not be able to achieve external and internal well-being without the help of a psychotherapist.
How to avoid such a turn? Track how you talk to your son or daughter. Phrases that sometimes mean nothing to adults and are forgotten immediately after uttering, sound like a sentence for children that affects the rest of their lives.
Where do traumatic words come from?
Often parents, without hesitation, repeat what they themselves heard in childhood, or copy the behavior of people from the environment. Offensive phrases seem to them a normal part of the educational process. For example, when saying, «Don’t embarrass me,» mom or dad may not mean that they are ashamed to be the parents of such a child — they only urge him to calm down, look at himself from the outside, remember his manners, etc. But the son or daughter understands what is said literally, and this triggers a destructive process in the psyche.
The key point: the child believes in what you say, even when the adults themselves do not believe it.
A figure of speech, a rhetorical device, a deliberate exaggeration — everything will be taken at face value and will gradually create in your head a picture of the world with which it is difficult not only to succeed, to know your worth and be happy, but simply to survive.
No one will wish this to the most beloved being in the world. But the problem can be prevented: a certain level of awareness in communicating with the child is enough.
5 phrases that are better to avoid
«Look how she turns out beautifully, not like you!»
Comparison is the most reliable way to destroy self—belief. Such phrases do not motivate at all. If they awaken the spirit of competition, it is not in its healthy manifestation.
First of all, the child concludes that mom or dad likes the hypothetical Vanya more: if they had their way, they would have handed over an unsuccessful copy and got the one that comes out better. The innocent Vanya becomes an object of hatred.
The most common result of such messages is an adult who does something not out of inner motivation, but to prove that he is better than others. He doesn’t enjoy sports because he doesn’t know how to lose. Quits any activity as soon as he sees that someone’s skills or talents are superior to him. He is under constant stress at work and does not always solve the tasks set, because he sees competitors in colleagues.
Other people’s failures please him, but they do not bring satisfaction: after all, he constantly compares himself with others and sees that someone has a more expensive car, someone has a better suit, someone defended two dissertations at his age. And all this is happening from an underlying confidence: «Mom loves me because I’m inferior to others.»
Often children show you their work of art on the wall, crafts, how they first washed the dishes, but their result is far from perfect.
And when they hear from their parents the phrase: «You’re ruining everything,» she kills the desire to try something new at the root.
Of course, it is not necessary to admire everything that a child does, to say: «Very good» when in fact «bad» — this will deprive him of the ability to soberly evaluate his creations in adulthood.
It is necessary to approach the issue subtly: praise for the initiative, find successful details, but explain how to perform the task better or how to avoid damage to the surrounding space.
Let’s go back to the example with the damage to the walls. Some parents have special wallpapers in the nursery so that the child does not deny himself anything. If there is no such possibility, and the son or daughter continues to paint on the walls, despite the reproaches — make sure that the child has albums for painting and graphics.
Even if it seems to you that he is engaged in daubing — you do not want to be the parent who strangles talent in the bud. When criticizing, do not forget to note: you are expressing your opinion, not the absolute truth.
«You can’t be trusted with anything!»
The child was walking out of the store and dropped a bag of eggs: he ruined the products — this is not a reason to break his perception of himself as a full-fledged family member who can and wants to help parents.
How many everyday mistakes do adults make? They lose money, forget things in the subway, break dishes.
A healthy reaction: «No one died, next time I will be more careful and attentive.»
If a person who dropped a string bag with eggs feels like a loser who cannot be delegated any business — probably, in childhood he was awarded exactly the phrase that we are considering, and the trauma needs to be overcome.
«I’ll do everything myself, otherwise I’ll have to redo it for you!»
At this moment, the child feels worthless: «If I’m not good for anything, then I won’t try anymore. Mom will have to do it all over again anyway.» As a result, he can’t even start lessons. Why? Yes, because in any case, you will do everything in your own way without his participation when you return from work.
Here the problem is not only in the phrase, but also in habits. From early childhood, a person should have a field of activity in which the elders do not interfere, even if they are itching to do «how it should be».
«You don’t understand anything about this, don’t interfere in the conversation!»
Firstly, it is initially better for children not to be present at dialogues whose topics are inaccessible to them. If the child is still around, be ready to listen to him. Otherwise, it will be extremely difficult for him to express his personal opinion at school, in a circle of friends, and in the future — at work.
If you really want the best for your children, you want them to grow up confident in themselves, you need to learn to perceive them not as stupid, but as full-fledged family members, whose opinion must be taken into account.
Trust, respect, friendship can connect children and parents at all stages of life. No one will say that it is easy to control the words that fly off the tongue, but the result is worth it.
