Growing up and becoming a person is influenced not only by actions, but also by what he hears from his parents in childhood. Often, we adults do not notice how toxic our words are. Meanwhile, they are deposited in the child’s head. Such phrases can become a vital attitude and spoil life.
«Toxic phrases make us feel out of place, cause a sense of guilt for who we are. These are any accusations, comparisons, sarcasm, irony, generalizations, depreciation and negative assessments.
Often, we do not want to offend our child and rarely think about how our careless words affect his psyche. But the more often we repeat them, the more they settle in the child’s subconscious.
Here are the most frequent toxic phrases that mothers say to their daughters.»
You’re a girl!
Often on the playground you can hear: «Don’t run! You’re a girl!», «You can’t climb a tree! You’re a girl!», «Don’t shout! You’re a girl!»
As the girl understands it: there are certain qualities and norms inherent in her gender. Going beyond the limits is fraught with punishment and problems in relationships.
How it affects the future: if you inspire a child that he must meet the standards, it is difficult for him to understand and accept himself. For example, an active girl who moves a lot and is constantly looking for adventures, her mother tells her to calmly sculpt cakes in the sandbox and play mother-daughter. The child has to suppress his true desires, to do what he does not want to do.
In adulthood, this is fraught with the loss of yourself and your «I». The girl wants to do geological exploration, but good girls study to be lawyers and economists. Instead of science, she has to deal with home and family. She lives in a world of invented and imposed stereotypes. She is comfortable with others, but she is not very comfortable with herself.
You’re an expectant mom!
Because of the hypothetical future of motherhood, girls are not allowed to lift weights, wear light clothes or have a relationship before marriage. We say that it is not necessary for a girl to build a career and have other interests in life.
As the girl understands it: the only function of a woman is to give birth and raise children. Her interests and dreams don’t matter.
How does this affect the future: with such phrases, we completely devalue the girl’s future adult life. She understands that the only way through which she can be realized is to give birth to a child. And if she can’t or doesn’t want to, life loses meaning. Another option: a woman gives birth, but for some reason can’t be included in the children’s lives 24/7. There is a sense of guilt, a bad mother complex.
If a woman devotes her whole life to motherhood, having no other interests, she subsequently remains at the broken trough. Children grow up, leave the parental nest, and the selfless mother does not know how to live on.
Be softer!
In controversial situations, when a girl needs to stand up for herself and her interests, we say that she needs to be softer, more cunning and not pay attention to the aggressor or the one who steals their achievements.
As the girl understands it: her feelings and interests are not important. They can be sacrificed. In an unpleasant situation, you need to endure, suppress feelings, adjust to the aggressor and abuser. In extreme cases, you can try to achieve your goal by cunning and deception
How it affects the future: the suppression of feelings, the fear of showing «bad» emotions and the prohibition of direct expression leads to passive aggression and gaslighting (a form of psychological violence in which the manipulator denies what happened and questions the adequacy of the victim). In addition, if a girl has been used to endure since childhood, she risks getting stuck in abusive and codependent relationships.
You are the future mistress!
Therefore, I have to help around the house, learn to cook and darn socks. We say that the girl’s task is to be the keeper of the hearth and eventually fully take on household responsibilities.
As the girl understands it: the ideal woman should look after the house alone and cope without outside help.
How it affects the future: any pursuit of an ideal leads to burnout and lowers self-esteem. Often today, a woman cannot do only the house. When she comes home from work, she starts the second shift: she puts things in order, cooks food.
Even if a woman makes a significant contribution to the family budget and is considered an excellent specialist at work, she is still evaluated by how clean the house is, how she cooks.
Sooner or later, a woman herself ceases to value herself and loses all interests.
How to Stop Being a Toxic Mom: 7 steps
We have heard many of these phrases from our parents, so we do not think about how toxic they are. Start with yourself and learn to communicate with children in a new way.
Take a break. Before making a remark to a child, count to 10 in your mind. Then think about whether you really want to say the first thing that came to mind or whether the force of habit speaks in you?
Make a choice. In favor of the child, not stereotypes. Think about why it scares you that your daughter does not behave the way society says? What will change if she climbs trees? Who will benefit from the fact that the daughter will study statistics instead of her favorite biology? For whom are you raising a child — for himself or for society?
Sort out the stereotypes. To understand which ones you use, write on paper which one, in your opinion, should be a girl and which one should be a boy. Think about how these rules are comparable to reality. Health care, cleaning and cooking skills are necessary for all people, regardless of gender. If the stereotypes are broadcast not by you, but by your spouse or parents, discuss this issue with them.
Help build boundaries. Learning to take care of yourself is half the job. Our main task is to help the child build boundaries. And this is not only about the fact that you can not hug a child without asking, take his personal belongings. Explain that pressure, manipulation, deception and communication in raised tones is not acceptable. Say that the rules of communication apply to both children and adults: neither you nor your son or daughter can shout or manipulate.
Help me deal with my emotions. Learn to listen to the child and help him talk about his feelings and thoughts. Tell us that there are no bad emotions — there is a wrong expression of them. Talk about what emotions are, what you feel at the same time and why it happens. Figure out together how to safely express anger, anger, resentment or joy for yourself and others. To get rid of negative emotions, the child can «shout out» all the anger and resentment in a special package. And when experiencing intense joy or love, you can sing a special song or hug yourself.
Master the rules of eco-friendly communication. They are important not only in adult relationships, but also when communicating with children. The main rules are: mutual respect (you take care of the child’s opinion and needs, and he takes care of yours), active listening (listen without interrupting, do not think, clarify if something is unclear) and I—messages (talk about yourself and your feelings, and not blame the other, use «I» instead of «you»).
Develop awareness. If we are involved in relationships and communication, we are less likely to impose stereotypes and say phrases that offend other people. Before you say something, think about why you want to say it, how appropriate it will be and what consequences it may lead to. At first, you will have to strictly control yourself, but over time these questions will become a habit and become automatic.
