Despite the fact that a man, having made a decision to marry, makes a conscious choice in favor of creating his own family, many wives cannot understand in any way what place they actually occupy in the life of the faithful. An honorable second right after mom, or still the first, as befits a wife. How do I find a common language with my mother-in-law, and is it worth looking for at all?
Mothers-in-law really are different, however, as are daughters-in-law. It is not so easy to find a common language with an adult with a lot of worldly experience and endowed with a certain character. However, it does not seem so before marriage, because most potential mothers-in-law demonstrate an accommodating nature. The minority, however, immediately makes it clear what awaits the future daughter—in-law – in this regard, they act honestly. At the same time, do not forget that there are also «world mothers—in-law» – perhaps far from ideal women, but supporting their daughters-in-law (even after divorce), loving grandchildren and helping them financially. Someone may say that this is an exception, but, as the ancient Romans said, the exception only confirms the rule.
Hostile mother – in -law
Such ladies are used to bending their line in the family clearly and straightforwardly, all thanks to the authoritarian character. They can be aggressive, especially when they do not see a proper response, in their opinion. They can openly provoke quarrels, enmity. To express doubts about your competence in any matter concerning housekeeping, caring for your husband, raising children, even resorting to attempts to humiliate you. When communicating with her, you get the feeling that you are not put in anything and in general you are a «passing option». And you can be sure, for her it is.
How to behave with such a person? First of all, respectfully. Do not forget that this is your husband’s mother. Understand, her aggression is not directed against you as a person, most likely behind her is jealousy and fear of losing control over her son and over everything that, in her opinion, is in her power. If you do not want to constantly conflict, you will have to give her what she wants — the appearance of consent. Your mother—in-law is a person who wants to be heard and understood. So hear and understand what this woman wants, no one prevents you from doing it your own way and even asking her to calmly listen to your point of view.
The main thing in communicating with her is to show calmness and fortitude. If she understands that you can compete with her in character, able to resist her, but prefer a bad world to a good quarrel, and you can be trusted, she will treat you with great respect. Although, most likely, it will not show it. And you can always go for a trick — ask your husband’s mom for advice: it’s nice for her, and you don’t have to follow the advice. Maintain visual subordination and armed neutrality.
Such a mother—in-law never goes to an open confrontation, her destiny is to make a remark or run through your weaknesses in some casual way. And be sure to do it in front of your husband or in front of strangers, but in your presence and with a very deep sigh. In the end, it turns out that you can’t wipe the dust, you cook disgusting, you don’t look after the child. This behavior can be quite considered a hidden aggression in your side.
What should I do not to listen to constant criticism in my address? Arm yourself with a phrase: «You’re right!», learn to interrupt your mother-in-law anywhere in her tirade with criticism in your direction and turn the conversation to another topic. In general, to be a diplomat.
Mother-in-law is a victim
The victim is also a hidden aggressor, she just expresses her dissatisfaction with you in attempts to start a conflict, and then complain about you to her son, because you do not listen to her opinion and do not respect her husband’s mother. Such a woman has long learned that weakness is a variant of strength, so if you whine for a long time, something can come out of it.
What to do when someone complains about you? Specifically not to provoke controversial situations and conflicts. As in the case of a hostile mother-in-law, to show calmness, neutrality, and periodically interest in her person: «What did you say? How interesting! You should definitely try it!». In this situation, of course, a lot depends on the man’s position and how he will respond to mom’s complaints. A reasonable person will not pay attention to them.
Mother-in-law is an egoist
Such a lady thinks mainly about herself, so she can shamelessly intrude into your plans, constantly calling your husband – her son somewhere. She always needs help: to fix something, to take somewhere, to do something urgently. And that you already had plans for this weekend, she prefers not to think about it.
What to do? Getting into the relationship of mom and son and explaining to your mother-in-law that you have your own plans is definitely not worth it. And calmly and argumentatively talk to my husband about the fact that helping my mother is, of course, important and very right. But you have a family, and the family has boundaries — there are common plans, tasks and problems, it’s not worth pushing them away for momentary decisions, it’s reasonable. Since he doesn’t understand it himself. In any case, the family should be in the first place, unless, of course, there is nothing urgent and concerning life and health.
Mother — in – law – a non – native grandmother
Count on such a mother-in—law, if you urgently need to babysit or in some other vital matters, you should not, because she is sure that the real grandmother is your mother, not her. Of course, she also sometimes wants to talk to her grandchildren and spend time with them, but on her terms.
How to appeal to the conscience of such a woman? No way. We need to leave her alone. Most likely, such a mother-in-law does not get too involved in your affairs, and this, you will agree, is not bad in itself. It is impossible to impose a desire to help an adult who knows how to build personal boundaries, unlike you. Learn the same from your mother-in-law and solve your problems yourself.
In fact, the main problem of many conflict situations is that it is difficult for most women to accept that their beloved sons have grown up, become independent and have their own families. The main woman for them is now a wife, not a mother — this fact needs to be accepted, but I really don’t want to. Wise mothers-in-law understand this. Those who have not gained wisdom over the years begin to «measure thermometers» with their daughter-in-law, and sometimes they win.
Much in such conflicts depends on the man — his relationship with his mother should not, in fact, concern you, and his mother’s relationship with you. If the son has made it clear to his mother that the choice has been made, and it is better for her not to get into his family with her advice, criticism, complaints, then over time even an authoritarian mother will understand this and calm down. And if your beloved son still thinks that mom’s opinion is most important, then conflicts will continue, and a possible divorce is just around the corner.
Hence the conclusion: how should a daughter-in-law behave? Calmly, kindly and confidently, without provoking conflicts, preserving dignity and one’s own opinion, feeling the support of her husband behind her back. And if there is no such support, then think carefully about whether you have contacted a mother’s son, and whether it is worth spending your life figuring out a relationship with, in fact, an outsider woman, who, of course, is your husband’s mother.