Today, it is increasingly possible to meet the parenting style of «child centrism», when the interests of the family begin to revolve around the child. The desires and interests of children come to the fore. As a result, the difficulties that parents have to face can no longer be avoided and resolved by the power of an adult’s authority.
Increasingly , you can hear from modern teenagers:
«Don’t change the teaching!»;
«I don’t need your advice!»;
«Don’t tell me what to do!»;
«I know everything myself and I can do it!».
Modern teenagers are prone to denial, contradictions, ready to defend their position without accepting the point of view of another person. A coaching approach will help to cope with these problems.
Principle 1. Accept the child as he is
Everything is OK with your child, he is good as he is. If this is not the case for you, you need to reconsider your requirements for the child. But for many it is not so easy to do this. For those who have not encountered this phrase before, it is more difficult to understand how to accept a child if, for example, he often likes to cry or, conversely, to shout, does not share toys, or maybe he began to skip classes, started smoking.
Many parents do not fully understand the meaning of the word accept. Accepting is not the same as loving a child for something. To accept is to love him simply for what he is. And if you can put up with a child’s tantrums, then when he skips classes, he started smoking — how can you accept it?
To accept, does not mean that you need to do nothing and let everything take its course. To accept is to admit that such circumstances have developed at a given time, regardless of your desires.
Principle 2. Refuse directive communication
It is always necessary to understand the reasons, and not to scold the child and turn away from him at a difficult moment. Skipping a lesson — perhaps a conflict with the teacher, fear of a bad grade, or peers will laugh. The reason to start smoking is probably curiosity, the desire to «be in the company», to seem like an adult.
Remember: children make the best choice for themselves at the moment. It is better for a child to scream than to silence resentment and pain, it is better to skip a lesson, but not get a deuce, it is better to go with a company to smoke than to be a «black sheep».
With directive education, it is difficult to take into account the desire of the child. If you constantly force him to do something, it inevitably leads to rebellion and deception. Therefore, give up such statements: «I told you, you won’t communicate with them anymore!».
Principle 3. Learn to hear the child and conduct a dialogue with him
Oddly enough, many parents do not know how to ask their child open—ended questions – those that can be answered in detail. As a result, communication is based on monosyllabic «yes» or «no».
The questions you ask the child should encourage him to turn to himself, to his internal resources. The child needs to find answers inside himself, and not answer what dad or mom wants. And then the potential of the personality is revealed, self-confidence increases, new views on life appear.
What questions to ask the child:
«What’s wrong with that?»;
«Why are you crying?»;
«Why did you decide to do this?»;
«And how would you like it to be?»;
«And what could be done for this?»;
«What do you feel?»;
«What (who) could (could) help you?».
Principle 4. Stop blaming the child
Whatever the child does, give up value judgments once and for all. There are always positive intentions in all the actions of children. For example, a kid wanted to pour water to his dad and broke his favorite mug, dad’s reaction: «Here are the hook hands!». This is wrong.
Even if the child stumbled and made a mistake, it is better to praise him for his good intentions. Your child has all the internal resources and potential for development — you just need to believe in him. «You can, you will succeed!» — this phrase not only brings children and parents closer together, but also gives the child strength and self-confidence.
Principle 5. Become a parent to whom a child can come with any problem
Often children hush up various grievances, problems at school, ridicule of peers. And all because they are afraid to hear: «You’re a weakling,» «You’re lazy.» As a result, when really serious situations arise that can destroy self-esteem and leave a mark on his whole life, then parents simply do not know about it.
It is very important to be the parent to whom, without hesitation, the child will want to ask for help. How to do it? Focus not on criticism, but on the desire to help. Speak calmly, firmly and confidently, voice your feelings openly and with empathy: «It’s unpleasant for me. I’m upset about…».
The child will open his inner world to you only when you sincerely sympathize and empathize with him.
Observing these recommendations from early childhood, using coaching technologies, you will notice:
communication and organizational skills and abilities will increase;
the skills to set goals and achieve results will increase;
the skills of effective time management will increase.
The child will learn:
analyze and structure information, make quick decisions in difficult situations;
deal with conflicts;
focus on your own success.
Being conscious parents is really not easy, but thanks to children, we, parents, become better. Conscious parenting will help create an ideal environment for the development of a reasonable person.